TRO will always be with you, Consy.

I know it is weighing heavily on the minds of each and every TRO reader (in which case I mean, hi mom!) as to where we stand in the current battle for Tonight Show supremacy. So, we’d like to announce that we here at The Restraining Order would like to officially come out with our support for Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien in the 2010 Late Night host imbroglio.

It’s not just that each of us have grown up nurtured by Coco and his timeless comedy acumen. It’s not only because Conan’s humor has shaped our own deeply that we find ourselves on the side of Team Conan. No, besides the fact that Conan is an institution of laughs who is worthy of so much more than the stupidity that NBC is currently shoveling his way, we firmly stand united in the Cone Zone as much as we rebel against the evils that is Jay Leno.

How did we get to where we are today? Apparently, a tiny, shitty website like this one is the only one that remembers the actual facts of how this all went down. Seeing as how we’ve been reading reports of how NBC is letting Jay Leno down and how we have even seen the sweaty, grotesque Leno supporters belch a revised version of history that makes our skin crawl, we feel it is our duty to set the record straight.

Exhibit a.
Jay Walking
Source, Entertainment Weekly. Sep 27, 2004:

”In 2009, I’ll be 59 years-old and will have had this dream job for 17 years,” Leno said in a statement. ”When I signed my new contract, I felt that the timing was right to plan for my successor, and there is no one more qualified than Conan. Plus, I promised [my wife] Mavis I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60.’”

Jay Leno decides with his last contract that he will retire from his post at the Tonight Show and pass the mantle to Conan O’Brien. Unlike what you’ve read from Leno supporters, he was not forced. He was not canceled. He was not beaten up by NBC goons while he signed away his late night birth rite to Conan while Conan cackled in the distance. Unlike Jay Leno in 1992, Conan was selected on a 5 year plan to have a clear succession per Leno’s admitted desire to step down.

Exhibit b.
Leno May Switch to Fox
Source, Newsmax.com March 4, 2007:

According to the New York Post, the “Tonight Show” host is unhappy about NBC’s plans to replace him with Conan O’Brien in 2009. But Leno’s unhappiness may mean smiles all around Fox.

Clearly, between 2004 and 2007, Jay Leno had a change of heart. Either the cost of buying thousands of shitty muscle cars was more than he thought it would be, or the idea of actually taking his wife Mavis to dinner was so unnerving that Jay Leno decided to use his ratings clout and Tonight Show seat to openly lobby other networks for a show. NBC was put on notice. Deal with Jay Leno because he wasn’t going to actually retire like he said, or else. He had made his intentions known.

Exhibit c.
Jay Leno Hints At ABC Future
Source, Huffington Post. July 15, 2008:

“…on Monday’s “Tonight Show,” Jay Leno hinted at a possible future with ABC while reading the popular segment, “Headlines.”

Leno held up a TVWeek cover that said “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno…starring Jay Leno on ABC.” Then, Leno joked, “It’s like a headline from the future!”

Less than a year before being ousted from the Tonight Show, per his arraignments, the stakes are raised. Of course, Leno knew full well NBC wouldn’t let him go. He had dug his claws in far too well with his over 20 years of conniving. Jay Leno might be an unfunny, humorless, watered down prick of a man, but no one has ever claimed he doesn’t know how to play the game. If he didn’t, David Letterman wouldn’t be at CBS right now.

The rest is well known. NBC caved to Leno on the fear he’d take his huge chin and even larger stable of Hollywood guests that he’d sucked up to for years with him to a rival network. Instead of Leno knighting Conan with his black book for Hollywood’s elite, the same one Leno stole from Johnny Carson, Leno was going to take it to another network where the stars were soon to follow as they’d grown comfortable with Leno’s coddling of them, throwing them softballs, all these years.

Enter The Jay Leno Show.

NBC was terrified and so they cooked up a plan to allow themselves their chin-shaped cake, and eat it too. They decided to save some money, cut five scripted shows a week, and gave the hour to Jay Leno to pay his ransom. Everyone knew it was a terrible mistake. For the fourth place network, it was the death knell. By November 2009, less than 6 months after it debuted, the Jay Leno Show had ratings worse than two CW series. NBC, which used to air ER in Jay Leno’s time slot, was getting beat by the CW.

Of course, the real loser in all of this was the NBC affiliates. Some were never on board with this plan from the beginning. Others felt “only the egos of NBC executives are keeping Leno on the air.” No one was sticking around to watch The Jay Leno show, much less the Late Local News, which is the bread and butter for local stations across the country. Jay Leno, and NBC’s lack of a backbone, was destroying local TV stations.

In addition, without vaunted ratings winners like ER and Law and Order, shows which Jay Leno enjoyed as a lead in when he was hosting the Tonight Show, the Conan O’Brien lead Tonight Show was suffering as well. At this point, as the Jay Leno Show was circling the drains and affiliates were threatening to take matters into their own hands and just not air the show, Leno revealed his ultimate ploy, his desire to retain the Tonight Show and kick Conan to the curb. On November 2nd, 2009, he planted the seeds of deceit and asked for the Tonight Show back.

Jay Leno opened up in a new interview about the survival of his new 10 p.m. talk show, saying that he would have rather have stayed in his 11:35 timeslot, and that he’d go back to the “Tonight” show if asked.

Broadcasting and Cable interviewed the TV icon about the show, and critics who say that his show isn’t garnering high ratings.

About whether he would return to “The Tonight Show,” which is now helmed by Conan O’Brien, Leno said, “If it were offered to me, would I take it? If that’s what they wanted to do, sure. That would be fine if they wanted to.”
“Would I have preferred to stay at 11:30? Yeah, sure…”

And here we are, only two months later, and Leno is getting his wish. NBC finally, mercifully, declared the Jay Leno Show a failure, and set aside everyone’s ego to do what’s best for the affiliates and the network, one year too late. Their plan however, wasn’t to make Leno own up to his promise to retire, manly because they gave Leno an iron-clad two year contract that they can’t eat, by offering the collective heads of the NBC late night shows a plan in which Jay Leno would open after the late local news with a 30 minute show at 11:35, bumping Conan’s Tonight Show to 12:05, and Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night to 1:05. Somewhere Carson Daly is sobbing at the lack of anyone caring about his impending unemployment.

NBC clearly needs to get out of the Jay Leno business. Instead of trying to work past their mistake in letting Jay Leno renege on his decision to retire five years prior, they decided to tarnish the legacy of The Tonight Show by bumping it to the next day, screw Conan O’Brien by making him NBC’s late night second fiddle, completely ruin any shot Jimmy Fallon had to build an audience, and putting Carson Daly on suicide watch (admittedly, a happy side effect of abject failure on NBC’s part).

It’s not hard to see why, therefore, that we support Mr. Conan O’Brien. As much as he’s done to make the world laugh, Jay Leno and NBC have done as much to give the world AIDs. We’re onto you, Jay Leno. We will not rest. We will not stop. We will not brush our teeth until you are out on the street begging strangers for chin jobs for nickels where you belong. And NBC, once you cancel 30 Rock, we’re done with you. Never again will be abused by you. Where we once thought, just because you hit us, you still loved us, we now know for certain that if we don’t go stay at our sister’s house that you’ll kill us once and for all if we don’t get you a beer.

Better know your enemy.

For those of you still uncertain, having read this scornful tome, allow me to demonstrate exactly why Jay Leno is evil:

• Jay Leno’s chin is abnormally large due to it holding a pocket of Yellowcake uranium that he sells to Iraqis.
• As expensive cars are desired by men of middle age to compensate for their less than adequate endowment in the wang area, therefore, Jay Leno’s ownership of several hundred such cars means his penis is actually inverted. Gross!
• Jay Leno fucks spiders.
• Jay Leno, slaver owner. Evidence? Kevin Eubanks.
• Jay Leno once raped your mother.
• Jay Leno’s wife Mavis is actually an orangutan. This is why all attempts to bear Jay Leno’s fruit have been genetically unsuccessful so far.
• Jay Leno designed Teddy Ruxpin.
• In 2 girls 1 cup, it was Jay Leno’s cup. He gave it to them.
• They don’t call committing genocide “Pulling a Leno” for nothing!
• Jay Douglas Leno or LAND USA OGLE JOY? That’s right. I’m onto you.
• Jay Leno put Bella in the wych elm.

Rise up, yon brothers of comedy! Rise up, and become one against NBC and Jay Leno tyrannic imposition!

I think we all know what needs to be done.

Over the last eight months that TRO has been online I’ve written many posts about videogames. Some of these, like my posts about online worlds, were promised to be regular features. That might happen someday, but for now I have a new series that I can assure you will appear regularly. It’s called GRANDPA BUCK PLAYS COMPUTER GAMES. In this series I play classic PC games and offer commentary on them. My first effort is rather humble, as I’m strapped for time and pretty stupid, but I already have lots of ideas for improvements like embedded the video in the blog and not breaking my videos up into 6 parts. And that’s all for post #2!

This first installment looks at Darklands, and excellent CRPG form 1992. Set in Medieval Germany as Germans of the time imagined it to be, you lead for characters of your design through forests and confrontations with Satanic villagers on an unending quest to do good and earn fame and honor. There’s no point in saying more about it here since my videos provide a pretty thorough introduction. If the game sounds appealing at all, check them out:

Part 1: Braving DOS
Part 2: Character Creation
Part 3: Better Know Your Satanic Hamlets
Part 4: Florin Conversion & You
Part 5: Of Saints, Wolves, and Baseless Accusations
Part 6: Prepare For Battle, Forest Rascals

You know, I like Dan Aykroyd. He’s a founding member of SNL, a goddamn Ghostbuster, and frankly, one of the most underrated comedy minds in the past 30 years. He is certainly someone to respect. From Roman, Beldar, Boolie, Elwood, the “You wanna see something really scary?” guy in Twilight Zone: The Movie, to Harry Sultenfuss even, these are all characters you know, and perhaps love, as performed sufficiently by Mr. Aykroyd. I mean he is Ray, for Bill Murray’s sake.

Is he of the quality of a just mentioned Bill Murray or even Steve Martin? No, but then, no one is. Aykroyd just gets the job done. That is unless you let him write and direct his bizarre wet-dream of a nightmare project while giving him complete control and letting him run wild with his insanity. When that happens, horrible movies happen.

Case in point:

Now, if you were 1991, a movie with Chevy Chase and Demi Moore may not sound like a bad idea. But then again, if you were 1991, you were totally into Color Me Badd, so what do you know, 1991? You don’t know anything! Go away, 1991. Chevy was at the slickened precipice of his once unrivaled career as the brightest light of the former-SNL-cast stable staring down upon the sad man we see today. This movie is why. This movie killed Chevy Chase. This movie made Chevy Chase turn into a creepy, unfunny, fat man that makes us sad to be alive. Thanks Aykroyd.

I’ve never been a big Demi Moore fan but this was the first movie I ever saw with her in it, which is why, I imagine, I’m not a big Demi Moore fan. Thanks Aykroyd. Although, considering she lets Ashton Kutcher put his li’l kutch inside of her willingly and likes to Twitter like anyone would care about her shitty life with Ashton Kutcher, odds are I would have hated her anyhow. She was in Striptease, as well. So that’s plenty of reasons to dislike her. Why does Striptease exist? Because of Nothing But Trouble. Well, and because Burt Reynolds is awesome.

John Candy is dead because of this movie. Can I prove this? Yes, have you seen the movie? It killed John Candy. Well, candy and this movie killed John Candy. He was a big man. But worse than John Candy being dead is it made me hate John Candy for an hour and a half. You don’t forgive a thing like that. Gone was Uncle Buck or Barfolemew, enter this monstrosity:

Thanks Aykroyd.

This is the part where you might expect me to say: “Hey, you should go rent this movie so you can see for yourself just how bad it is! It’s currently playing late night on Starz! Check it out and see it in all of it’s horrific glory!” But really people, don’t. This isn’t one of those good/bad movies like Clash of the Titans or Killdozer. This isn’t a laugh with your buddies at the bad movie, bad movie. It’s just bad in the way that you’ll be haunted for years by its every visage. On your deathbed, this movie will be what you think of. I already dread it.

I’ve never felt worse in my life than when the credits rolled at the end of it. Not the time I almost drown with the kid down the street sat on my head while we were swimming. Not the time I probably ran that guy over but kept driving because who really wants to look at a freshly dead hobo? Never. And as the rest of my article here has shown, I’m not into hyperbole. I knew I had just watched the worst movie ever created, and I was angry. It is possible that I’ve never been angrier. If only because Dan Aykroyd had the balls to have the ending insinuate that there could be a sequel, like a threat.

Thanks Aykroyd.

Gruden, pictured above, with what he thought was a New York Jets helmet.

Former Super Bowl-winning coach Jon Gruden has agreed to remain with ESPN as an analyst on its “Monday Night Football” telecasts, the network announced Monday after negotiating a deal to allow Gruden to coach football in 2010.

It had been widely speculated that Gruden would return to coaching next season but ESPN was not yet ready to let go of their third best announcer in the booth.

ESPN issued a written announcement saying that Gruden “has agreed to an exclusive multi-year agreement with the company and any NFL team he wishes to coach” and “has made a commitment to remain with ESPN on all days that aren’t a Sunday which will be when he is coaching an NFL football team.”

“Working with Mike [Tirico], Jaws [Ron Jaworski] and our entire Monday Night Football team is the most fun I have had since I was coaching football, and I am fired up to make this long-term commitment to ESPN and the team I coach next season,” Gruden said in a written statement released by the network. “Monday Night Football is special and I look forward to remaining a part of it and continuing to call these great games along with the games I coach,” Gruden added to the speculation of where he would land, besides ESPN, by concluding his statement with, “Hey Buffalo, Bristol is only about a six hour drive!” fueling the rumors that he planned to throw his hat into the ring to coach the Buffalo Bills.

Gruden, fired by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Jan. 16, was the winningest coach in Bucs history (60-57 in seven seasons) and led Tampa Bay to victory in Super Bowl XXXVII leading many to question why Gruden didn’t continue to coach the team when he was hired to announce Monday Night Football games in May of 2009. He also has coached the Oakland Raiders.

Gruden’s name has been mentioned in connection with a number of potential coaching vacancies, both in the NFL and college football. The speculation was heightened when Gruden continued to make remarks during broadcasts of the Monday Night Football games about players and coaches that he’d love to have on a team that he coached. “I can’t wait to hire Fangio away from these Ravens. That guy is one helluva football coach.” Gruden said of Baltimore Ravens’ Linebackers Coach Vic Vangio

Gruden is reportedly "pretty gosh darned excited" about coaching next season along with announcing football games for ESPN.

during a recent broadcast which followed a remark Gruden made earlier in the year about Minnesota Viking’s Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe when he said, “A guy like Shiancoe is exactly the kind of tough sonofabitch I will be trading for when I am coaching again next season.”

“Jon has truly reinvented himself, from a Super Bowl-winning head coach to one of the foremost NFL analysts in the business who also is an outstanding football coach, and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive now that he will be coaching again,” said Norby Williamson, ESPN executive vice president of production. “We are thrilled with his commitment to ESPN, which ensures that Jon will continue on ‘Monday Night Football’ with Mike and Jaws, and look forward to having him back on the Mondays after he coaches on Sundays.”

So, I’ve been replaced as the sassy black lady of TRO it seems with this new guy Seifer. You might think you they’ve found a more sour venom spitter than me in this new pup, but I would like to direct you to the following fact:

–Seifer is the owner of the world’s largest My Little Pony collection.

Here is a list of the items of which I have personally seen that Seifer owns:

• 40 ft. My Little Pony
• 40″ My Little Pony
• My Little Pony body pillow
• My Little Pony boyshorts
• Limited Edition My Little Pony Whatchamacallit candy bars
• My Little Pony Boombox
• My Little Pony designed to look like Marilyn Monroe as a My Little Pony
• Several My Little Pony tattoos
• A My Little Pony plush doll with suspiciously anatomical horse junk

Moving on from that very personal slight I would like to right another wrong.

–Otis Whitaker is actually Vanessa Williams.

I suppose I need proof since no one would believe me that a minor celebrity writes for a website that no one reads, but other than the fact that I have met Otis Whitaker and he is Vanessa Williams, the proof is scarce. Let me demonstrate some eerie examples that might sway your opinion, however.

• Otis Whitaker claims to have red hair, Vanessa Williams also has hair.
• Vanessa Williams was in Penthouse, Otis Whitaker’s nickname amongst friends is Outhouse.
• Vanessa Williams was ostracized for nude photos of her appearing in a magazine whereas Otis Whitaker often is nude.
• Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America winner and Otis Whitaker is an American.
• Vanessa Williams was in the movie A Diva’s Christmas Carol playing the role of Ebony Scrooge whereas Otis Whitaker has also watched movies.
• Otis Whitaker is a beautiful black woman of which Vanessa Williams can also claim.
• Otis Whitaker shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse whereas Vanessa Williams shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater.

I think that’s all of the proof you need.

–Once and for all I would like to end the debate of who was better between big man between Bill Russell or Wilt Chamberlain. The answer is, of course, Buck Antares.

You might be confused by this claim but allow me to explain. Whereas Bill Russell won 11 professional titles in his time with the Celtics, Buck Antares has won over 2 dozen Oreo Stacking competitions in department stores in malls all across America.  And while Wilt Chamberlain might have been the highest scoring big man both on the court and off, having claimed he had bedded over 20,000 women, Buck Antares has bedded nearly twice that many women when he worked at the Oshkosh, Wisconsin Cumberland Bedding factory making beds for divorcees.

Therefore, it’s easy to see that Buck Antares is truly the biggest big man of all time.

–Apoplectic Fittz actually liked watching Cake Farts.

God. Can you believe that. Instead of being scandalized and horrified like all other people, Apoplectic Fittz actually confided in me that while watching Cake Farts he thought, “It was alright, could have used more frosting though.”

P.S. Unless you’re like Apoplectic Fittz, I would avoid finding out what Cake Farts is if you do not know. Instead, for you behind on your Internet memes, you might want to start with 2 girls 1 cup for gentler fare and work your way up.

–Heather Staredown has attended over five New Kids on the Block concerts in her lifetime.

Sure, she’d have you believe the total is less than five, but I know the truth. And now so do you. Also, is it just me, or is Danny New Kid the missing link?

Look at that guy. He’s fucking more monkey than he is man. I bet if you looked at his DNA you would discover that he is at least 80% ape.

Chris Farmer-Lies is actually a sock puppet designed by the writers of TRO to spout their agenda without you knowing that it is their collective hive mind. GASP!

Finally, me, George Pinkerton. I’m inside you right now. That’s why you feel so good.

There are only two things people fear more than death. One of them is public speaking to a room full of clowns and the other is spiders. They’re that bad folks. The thought of spiders are literally worse to people than the outcome of the worst thing a spider could do to them. Is that crazy logic of an unwell mind or the troubling truth of the devilish spell spiders cast onto our joy for love and living and love of living.

There are a faction of people, criminally insane, (I call them satanic devil worshiping monsters) that actually would like to make you believe that we should “care” and “love” these “beautiful” pieces of “nature”. Yes, if you can wrap your mind around it, they believe this about the harbingers of malevolence, spiders. They care, and want you to care, for the afterbirth of Satan’s unholy union with pure terror. These sinful prophets would rather you capture any impending invaders under a drinking glass and then slide your reading material underneath to take them back into the world, gently on a blade of grass, to devour the souls of our willing masses. A malicious army of the Devil’s own children, waiting once again to strike all brought to you by his most malleable of weakened hearts. To this we must rise against.

To end such madness, we must learn what a spider is exactly beyond just the surface desire to destroy and pervert. That’s what I’m here to tell you about. To pull the pin out of the truth grenade, and let it all blow in your face!

Spiders yield into existence from the coils of darkness when a human being feels fear and doubt in his or her heart, or perhaps commits a misdeed. For example: On 9/11/2001, over 3,000 spiders were born. Upon arrival into this plane, they have only one item on their day planner, the thirst for the happiness the resides in our essence. It is then decreed upon their mark that they will carry out this deed unless a shoe or rolled up newspaper is heroically employed to end their hunt. This is how it must be.

To better know your enemy, let’s examine the parts that make up the average eight legged hell-rapist:

Rape Danglers: These are also known as legs. They are used by the spider to commit heinous acts such as forced sex, pillage, and bloodletting. It is not uncommon for a spider to scream while it rapes you.

Lie Bringers: The mouth and fangs area of the beast. These are used by the spiders to put it’s evil inside you, and suck out your soul. It lives for this shit.

Devil Core: This is where a little piece of Satan resides, and protects the hatred center. Scientists are unsure after many centuries of study, but the Devil core is likely the feces part of Satan.

Hatred Center: This is where the spider stores up all its hate. On the outside of the hatred center is an upside down cross and a pentagram. Let be said, while evil, the spider is quite stylish.

Heart of Black: No one knows exactly what function the heart of black provides: It does not pump blood. Some people say it may actually CREATE hate, but there is no proof. Those that have tried to study the heart have all driven to unspeakable acts of debasement.

If these lessons haven’t convinced you of the scourge we are faced with yet allow me to present a quick list of things the spider is more evil than:

1) Rats

2) Jay Leno

3) Hitler

4) Rapists

5) Snakes

6) Snake rapists

Knowing all this, you must be thinking? Wow! Spiders be crazy! How do I attack them? How can I do my part in ending this hoard of unpleasantness?

A Tank?

A Nuke?

A baseball bat?

My no! The real true threat to spiders is none other than….

THE CENTIPEDE

As you can see, the mighty centipede quickly defeats its demonic foe.

And while employed for good, one hopes, are centipedes truly on our side? Or are they simply absorbing all of the evil within the spiders, to gain their own power to fight humanity?

Only time will tell…

I’m writing this article for the few, for the proud, for the legitimate party-goers. By that I mean, the people who go to a party to have a good time and not to be one of the people mentioned further on in this article. If you do fall into one of these categories, you probably shouldn’t be visiting TRO because WE DON’T LIKE YOU.

This list is in no particular order because, well, these people are equally terrible and I wouldn’t want to discriminate. So here goes:

1. The guy that bums cigarettes off of everybody, yet, nobody knows who he is.

We all have seen him. The scraggly guy with torn jeans and a ratty t-shirt who walks around aimlessly with just a lighter in his hand asking everybody if they could spare a cigarette. This one is very elusive. If you think he’s gone and it’s safe to light up, you’re wrong, he’s standing behind you. As soon as you feel that filter caressing your lips you’ll hear a voice out of nowhere asking you: “Hey man, can you spare one of those baddies for me? I just ran out.”

Pro Tip: Keep your cigarette pack in your pocket at all times! Get the cigarette out while the pack is in your pocket so if this man does ask you can say “Sorry, that was my last one, but there’s a gas station just around the corner that sells them.” This works 95% of the time. If it doesn’t, start a fight.

2. The guy who yells “WOO!!!” at random times throughout the party.

Yeah, that guy. Probably one of the more annoying class of folk on this list, he is often heard at parties where some sort of sport was involved, most notably, football. As a legitimate party-goer yelling “WOO!” when your team scores is perfectly acceptable during the actual playing of the game, continuing this raucous behavior after the game is absolutely unacceptable. This guy has been known to scream out “WOO!” when the attention has wandered away from him longer than he’s capable of dealing with. You may hear a muffled “WOO!” from the bathroom as this guy has probably ended up pissing on himself or something equally as disgusting.

Pro Tip: Slip him a mickey so he will shut the hell up. Date rape is optional, but keep in mind, he would date rape you if he could.

3. The guy who is constantly trying to score drugs.

Yes. I know. This is a sort of a “touchy” subject because of our anti-drug culture, but in a way it has an anti-drug message. Drug users: Stop going to parties looking to score. You know the story. Standing there with your friends, drinking, having a good old time when a man dressed like he’s starring in the next Lil Jon video gets far too close into your personal space to ask you a question. What’s the question? Well, there’s several possibilities and they are based on where the party is taking place. If near the hood you may be asked “Hey man, where’s the good blow at?” If you’re in the suburbs, you may be asked “Hey man, where’s the weed at?” Lastly, if you’re near or on a college campus you may hear, “Hey man, where’s the addies?”

Pro Tip: Buy a fake badge, put it in your pocket, when the guy who always asks for cigarettes asks you for one, accidentally drop the fake badge. You’ll never see a man wearing baggy pants down to his knees run so fast.

4. The girl who stops the party with her tears

At any party there’s always going to be girls with their fancy fake jewel crusted cell phones texting or in rare cases, talking to a recent ex. This is fine by any legitimate party goers standards, as long as they are quiet, drinking all the Zima and generally keeping to themselves. It becomes a problem when the aforementioned young lady completely puts a halt to the party when people notice her high pitched sobbing from the corner of the room and go over to check on her. Nobody wants to be rude and continue the party while there’s a girl in the corner crying, but everybody is thinking to themselves “Why couldn’t she just go outside, so I can drink my Pabst Blue Ribbon and talk to about my new Wayfarers?”

Pro Tip: Have your girlfriend lead her outside into the yard. You kill two birds with one stone.

5. The Guy Who Gets Drunk Before the Party Even Starts

Sloshed, wasted, trashfaced, shithammered, plowed. These are all words to describe a majority of the people at the end of your party. There’s always one guy though at always seems determined to take it to a level unseemly or unwanted. That one guy who arrives 30 minutes early, while you’re still setting up. More than likely, he pre-gamed in the car on the way or at your local T.G.I. Fridays. His excuse for being early is obviously made up on the spot and instead of helping you prepare he starts taking a quick inventory of the alcohol on hand making sure it is enough to sustain him throughout the night. He’ll sit on the couch and take the liberty of changing the channel on the TV or changing the song whilst holding his freshly poured drink with a very liberal amount of liquor. By the time guests start arriving he’s already answering the door for you and exclaiming “COME ON IN! WOO!!!” By the time all the guests arrive and the party is in full swing, this particular man will be wasted beyond the point of any of your guests being able to comprehend what he is saying. Keep an eye on your darkened living room, his pants will probably be off and some assortment of human excrement will be all over the carpet you took pains to protect by cordoning off said room. He may even been nice enough to go outside and sit on the stoop.

Pro Tip: I don’t even know, good luck with this fuckin’ guy.

I, of course, could never limit the limitless to just a mere 10 movies. No. So, over the course of one weekend I complied a list of 500 comedy movies that I deemed worthy of my ultimate list. I then ranked them in order in which I enjoy them most. I couldn’t believe I was able to trim down what is probably over 1,000,000,000 comedy movies that have been crafted all time into a paltry 500, either, but here we are.

That said, I don’t have the hubris to assume that you’re interested in hitting the next button on this website a bunch of time to get my complete list, nor do I have the money to pay for the webspace to host it. Therefore, I’ve decided to present to you an except from my master list of favored funny movies.

In this case, we will be taking a look at my selections #286 through #277:

#286. Weekend at Bernie’s II

We’ll be seeing Weekend At Bernie’s Part One later on in this list, but the second film deserves mention as well as it takes the situational comedy from the first film and turns it up to 11 (to quote a film that may or may not be in this list as well). Bernie is still dead and by golly, after 4 years, no one is the wiser! I mean, you would think by now the film would tackle such harrowing subjects of grief or maybe even tactfully handle the situation of decomposition, but no, it’s just one conga line after another to hide the fact that Bernie is a marionette for two douches who were trying desperately to claw themselves out of the 80s. And you know what? It’s a gas.

Most hilarious quote:

Richard Parker: What kind of idiots would steal a dead body?
Larry Wilson: We did!
Richard Parker: (almost inaudible and seemingly out-of-character) I want to die.

#285. Caddyshack

I bet you thought this classic would be higher on the list, didn’t you? From an all star cast in the height of great comedies from the 1980s and with a plethora of quotes and scenes that even the best comedies after it could only dream of aspiring to, Caddyshack is a comedy clinic. Surely #285 is too low for such a great film. Well it would be higher, if not for my crippling fear of sassy gophers.

Most hilarious quote:

Spalding Smails: Doodie!

#284. Confessions of a Shopaholic

Wow. I know I am kind of blazing a trail on this one but, to me, it has all of the makings of a true cult classic. Sure it came out recently, and everyone hated it, but that’s the same thing you could have said about Duck Soup when it came out way back in 1938. Just like the Marx Brothers before them, Sophie Kinsella and Isla Fisher have really struck a chord that resonates at a frequency that you may not hear at first with your finely tuned comedy ears but as it sits with you over the years, and with repeated viewings, I’m willing to bet the laughs will be deafening before you know it.

Most hilarious quote:

Rebecca Bloomwood: You speak Prada?

#283. Idiocracy

You had to expect a Mike Judge movie would show up at some point! (And don’t worry, you’ll see him listed again as the list progresses. A little hint, Extract was a clever little film.) Unlike Confessions of a Shopaholic this was a film that just shot out of a cannon as one of those movies you couldn’t get away from and didn’t mind anyway because it was such a funny fucking movie. I mean, how many President Camacho’s did you have at your office Halloween party? I know at my office there were several at the very least. I would likely rank this movie higher but it became one of those films that was just so over-commercialized that you ultimately get sick of it. It’s still worth a laugh or two if you’re one of the two or three people left who hasn’t seen it.

Most hilarious quote:

Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] There was a time when reading wasn’t just for fags. And neither was writing. People wrote books and movies. Movies with stories, that made you care about whose ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!

#282. Class Act

I would be remiss if I created a list of comedies that did not include a Kid ‘N Play classic. This Dickensian-esque tale is a relic of the early 1990s and should be taken out at least once per year to be examined, enjoyed, and preserved in memory. A prince and pauper plot is held together with the goodhearted, well-meaning raps of the titular characters and a little mix of Pauly Shore. I would wager nothing else in pop culture quite expresses what it was like to be alive in 1992 than Class Act.

Most hilarious quote:

Duncan’s Dad: Honey, have you ever wondered about our son’s sexual preference?
Duncan’s Mom: I didn’t know he had one!
[they start laughing together]

#281. City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold

I thought long and hard about the decision to include City Slickers or City Slickers II and I’ll be frank, the subtitle The Legend of Curly’s Gold went a long way to swaying my decision. So, while you scan the next 200 or so movies on my list, keep in mind that you won’t find the original movie which means no awesome Bruno Kirby baseball quotes about who played third base for…Pittsburgh in..1960. That’s okay though, because the Curly of whom has a legend about gold as promised in the title is played Jack Palance and Jack Palance is awesome.

Most hilarious quote:

Phil: Please don’t tell my kids I died taking a shit.

#280. Mannequin

Two Andrew McCarthy movies in the last eight?! It wouldn’t be a list of comedy movies without Andrew McCarthy. McCarthy practically owned the 1980s. You might think of Bill Murray or Michael J. Fox when you think of 1980s comedy flicks but neither of them are even in the same breath as McCarthy. And while we’re on the subject…two Meshach Taylor movies in the last three!? What a great romp. If Class Act was everything that was the early 1990s, then Mannequin was everything that was the late 1980s, by which I mean, seemingly horrific but with a memorable soundtrack featuring Starship.

Most hilarious quote:

Hollywood Montrose: You know I would never interrupt you when you’re getting a piece of wood…

#279. Big Momma’s House

Man, thank you Martin Lawrence. If not for you, unfunny fat black women would still be playing unfunny black women in movies instead of unfunny black men! If not for Martin Lawrence having one of his spells and convincing Hollywood that he is just crazy enough to play a fat women to hilarious results, the careers of Eddie Murphy,  the Wayans, and even Bugs Bunny would probably be over. And goodness, no one would even know who Tyler Perry is. Also, a key to the fat black man as a women genre is having a palpable character actor as the sidekick. This gives the ridiculous idea the very thin waft of credibility for the brief moment you consider seeing it. In this case, Paul Giamatti plays the part honorably.

Most hilarious quote:

Basketball Teen #1: Oh so granny think she got game?
Big Momma: Oh yes I got game. and I got two words for you: I’m back.
Basketball Teen #2: You too fat to be ballin’!
Big Momma: Say what? You look like a damn shaved bird!

#278. Citizen Kane

This is a classic comedy. First of all, you have what has to be the inspiration for all grumpy old men movies to come in the lead character, the iconic, Charles Kane. He’s Ebenezer Scrooge and your mean grandfather rolled into one melancholy old fart. Watching Kane’s life told by those that knew him best eventually leads to the crescendo when we discover that, ironically, it wasn’t money, wealth, and power that he always craved, but the wholesome joy of sledding on the freshest powder of his memories. It’s at that moment that you realize the joke has been on you along.

Most hilarious quote:

Charles Foster Kane: I run a couple of newspapers. What do you do?

#277. Ernest Scared Stupid

While Kane is considered by some to be the greatest American film of all time, comedy or not, let’s give some credit to Ernest Scared Stupid, as well. Not only does it have string bean funnyman Jim Varney playing his beloved character Ernest in one of his last big screen successes with the character, but the film also goes for big laughs with the likes of Eartha Kitt and Austin Nagler. Nagler, unfortunately would never be cast again for any movie, ever. While it might not be “hip”, or “couth,” to enjoy an Ernest film, sometimes it’s okay to laugh stupid.

Most hilarious quote:

Ernest P. Worrell: How ’bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?

Get out the seat, let Casper drive!

First off… we’ll need a new pair of shoes. 

 
This looks like a good sturdy pair of shoes from Shoemall!

Now, we need some socks! Something to really wow the boys and get ‘em cruisin’ me in the streets!
 
Aren’t those cute? They’re from skatesonhaight. 

Now, for a cute skirt?
 
That’s from idilvicefashionrocks. 

What about a cute top? That’s appropriate clothes attire for dates and also other occasions.
That’s from kaboodle.

I may also need a scarf or some sort of accessories because if one merely only wears clothes to cover their body then they aren’t truly trying to “woo” Mr. Right.

That is right folks! YOU TOO CAN MAKE AN ENTIRE MISFITS OUTFIT IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES AND BE THE WORST/BEST DATE EVER. I need to do this. I need to do this right now. And so do you. If anyone out there actually does this, please send us pictures at contact@therestrainingorder.com so we can set up a fund to have you renamed King Godhammer.