With the upcoming release of Punch-Out!! for the Nintendo Wii next month, I thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to take a look back on the first entry of the series on consoles, Punch-Out!! for Nintendo Entertainment System. For it’s time, and even today, this was a very fun game. Very simple and addictive, with cleverly designed characters that put up one hell of a fight. But… did you know that there were even more characters that were supposed to be in the game that never made it? It’s true!

Today here at The Restraining Order, we’re going to blow the lid wide open on this, and show you the Top Ten worst that didn’t make it.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO PLAY WITH POWER?

#10 – Homeless Hank

Homeless Hank was supposed to be a homeless drifter whom fell asleep in the ring and did battle with you. Unfortunately, Nintendo had to remove this character due to the fact that he had nipples, and by some sort of weird 1980’s in-house decency rules, that was considered morally and financially a mistake. The reason Nintendo did not remove the nipples was because Nintendo claimed the host of which to remove these nipples would have been enough to make three sequels to Balloon Fight.

#9 – Gay Hitler

Gay Hitler was removed for obvious reasons. For one, he was gay, and in the 1980’s, being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is now, (though, you wouldn’t really know it if you lived through the 80’s, where everything was a glowing pink neon color with stripes everywhere, but whatever.) and he’s Hitler. For the same reasons, Hitler was removed from Bionic Commando. (He’s gay in that too.)

#8 – Glass Dick Steve

Glass Dick Steve was removed for reasons you’re totally not thinking. He was meant to be Wooden Dick Steve, of whom eventually was made, and changed into Bald Bull. Bald Bull has a penis made out of wood. Oak wood.

#7 – Furry Frank

Furry Frank was removed because the licensers of Harry and the Henderson’s complained that he bore too much a likeness to the title character of that film. Oh, and also, furries are terrible.

#6 – A Big Giant O With Legs

Oddly enough, this character wasn’t removed for any particular reason. Nintendo just decided to turn it into a company. That’s right, NINTENDO OWNS OVERSTOCK.COM. Are you surprised? They’re as rich as Jesus!

#5 – Prickly Pete

Prickly Pete was removed from the game because Nintendo are bastards. It’s a cactus with fists. A cactus with fists!! What’s better than that?

#4 – Apple Bottom Jerry

Do I even have to tell you why this was removed? Well, okay, fine. If it wasn’t OBVIOUS, I mean, look at it! You think that’s acceptable… God, he was removed because he used too many pixels, DUH! The NES just wasn’t ready for that jelly.

#3 – Thunder Butt Jammer

Completely ignoring his hilarious name, Thunder Butt Jammer was removed due to a worldwide ban on goatees in 1987. Before every battle, he was to pull out his boombox and start performing poorly spoken English 1980’s rap music. Since the NES couldn’t actually do that, it was just disjointed beeps and bloops.

#2 – Cheeky Punchfist

Cheeky Punchfist was removed only in the North American version of the game. In the Japanese version, actually, about half the cast IS this character. The Japanese sure are weird.

#1 – Charles Haley

Even in the 1980’s, Nintendo knew that Charles Haley was a very, very scary and horrible man. This character was actually programmed into the game BY HIMSELF, and was removed and replaced with Mike Tyson, in the North American version. What exactly IS wrong with Charles Haley? Oh god, where do I start? Better yet, just read this article by fellow author Apoplectic Fittz to see for yourself.

CHARLES HALEY, NO!!!