Last night my phone rang — a rare occurrence. Rarer still, it wasn’t one of my parents, nor was it a charity. Thus I couldn’t end the call by saying I had terminal cancer, which is how I end calls from charity and calls from my parents. Fortunately, my chance for inflicting harm on another wasn’t lost.

Unfortunately, I may have made a dangerous enemy. And all without ever talking to another person.

You see, it was a collect call. As the computer’s sonorously informed that I had a collect call from REGINALD PIPES (here and only here the caller was allowed to speak), an inmate in the Dane County Jail. Not recognizing the name, and certain that it was nobody whose name I had simply forgotten, I hung up. I don’t know if REGINALD PIPES dialed the wrong number or if he wanted to speak with whoever had this phone number before I did, but it really doesn’t matter because by hanging up on him I made him waste the single phone call he was allowed for the day. In effect, I sentenced that public enemy to another day in the big house. That’s called justice, folks. Law and order. Bonkers style.

Problem is, he might not be too pleased that I took the law into my own capable hands And if it wasn’t a misdialing — if he knows the number, if not the current holder of it — this means that when he’s released, which hopefully never happens, all he’ll have to do is punch my number into a reverse phone directory to find my address. And then he will exact revenge on me, the citizen-judge who took into his own hands to thwart some slimy crook’s attempts to get on on the technicalities of posting bail or acquiring a lawyer.

If Reginald comes for me, I’ll be ready for Reginald. I just used a portion of the money I received for my birthday to invest in some effective but inexpensive home security upgrades. If Reginald doesn’t come, at least I’ll be able sleep soundly each knight knowing that my leased homestead cannot be breached by burglars, murderers, rapists, communists, papists, and drug dealers wanting to turn it into a “den.”

Sounds kind of like pointless bragging so far, huh? Not so. I’m going to show you how to turn a home that has all the security of a cardboard box into an impenetrable fortress. We’ll focus on time-tested methods for deterring, detecting, and defeating would-be family killers. And we’re going to do it all for under 25 dollars, without using any Wal-Mart style technology, by buying our supplies through Dr. Leonard’s, an excellent company that sells quality products online and through its iconic catalog.

The first thing we need to do to secure our families is to deter would-be crime-doers. We can do this by means of a “fake” security camera:

Through the amazing power of batteries, this camera is capable of tracking the movement of anyone who comes close to it, just like a real security camera. And all for $7.99.

Deterrence subtotal: $7.99

The primary senses by which humans detect things are hearing and sight. Luckily, Dr. Leonard’s sells just the item we need: a good pair of binoculars that will allow you to view approaching or arrived individuals. Over at Dr. Leonard’s website we can pick up a great pair for of 10x binoculars for a mere $4.99.

At this point I must point out that one could pick up a quality generic hearing aid on Dr. Leonard’s for a few dollars, or for forty dollars if one wanted the most advanced NASA-based aural technology, but it seems unnecessary to all but the most threatened or dedicated home defenders.

Detection subtotal: $4.99.

Defeating would-be intruders is by far the most important part of home defense. You can discourage them, you can observe them, but in the end the determined ones aren’t going to be swayed. Thus you must employ sundry mechanical means in order to prevent the physical operation of the technology that allows access to the interior of your domicile, e.g. doors and windows.

The first such device to prevent access is the brilliant Deluxe Door Guard, an invincible steel pole that works like a brigade of a million Hercules that strain to hold your door shut against intruders. Because the Deluxe Door Guard props against your door on one end and is literally anchored in place on the other end by a rubber anti-skid platform, there’s no chance that a villain might open your door — even if he picks the lock. The price is $6.99.

The second device is equally brilliant. At first glance, it appears to be a doorstop. And so it is! But moreover, it’s a doorstop that emits a piercing cry of alarm as soon as brigands attempt to force the door. Coupled with your Deluxe Door Guard, the $4.99 door wedge alarm makes home invasion impossible according to the known laws of physics.

Defeating subtotal: $11.98.

Grand total: 24.96.

I hope this helps protect you and your family.