Hello readers of TRO, my name is Kevin and I’m the newest addition to the writing staff of this glorious mound of coolness. I’m bitterly sarcastic and sometimes mean and frankly, I don’t care what you think about that. (See?) My goal is to make the world aware of the douchebaggery and hipsterness that is running rampant in our society through scathing posts calling these people out.

I’m writing this article for the few, for the proud, for the legitimate party-goers. By that I mean, the people who go to a party to have a good time and not to be one of the people mentioned further on in this article. If you do fall into one of these categories, you probably shouldn’t be visiting TRO because WE DON’T LIKE YOU.

This list is in no particular order because, well, these people are equally terrible and I wouldn’t want to discriminate. So here goes:

1. The guy that bums cigarettes off of everybody, yet, nobody knows who he is.

We all have seen him. The scraggly guy with torn jeans and a ratty t-shirt who walks around aimlessly with just a lighter in his hand asking everybody if they could spare a cigarette. This one is very elusive. If you think he’s gone and it’s safe to light up, you’re wrong, he’s standing behind you. As soon as you feel that filter caressing your lips you’ll hear a voice out of nowhere asking you: “Hey man, can you spare one of those baddies for me? I just ran out.”

Pro Tip: Keep your cigarette pack in your pocket at all times! Get the cigarette out while the pack is in your pocket so if this man does ask you can say “Sorry, that was my last one, but there’s a gas station just around the corner that sells them.” This works 95% of the time. If it doesn’t, start a fight.

2. The guy who yells “WOO!!!” at random times throughout the party.

Yeah, that guy. Probably one of the more annoying class of folk on this list, he is often heard at parties where some sort of sport was involved, most notably, football. As a legitimate party-goer yelling “WOO!” when your team scores is perfectly acceptable during the actual playing of the game, continuing this raucous behavior after the game is absolutely unacceptable. This guy has been known to scream out “WOO!” when the attention has wandered away from him longer than he’s capable of dealing with. You may hear a muffled “WOO!” from the bathroom as this guy has probably ended up pissing on himself or something equally as disgusting.

Pro Tip: Slip him a mickey so he will shut the hell up. Date rape is optional, but keep in mind, he would date rape you if he could.

3. The guy who is constantly trying to score drugs.

Yes. I know. This is a sort of a “touchy” subject because of our anti-drug culture, but in a way it has an anti-drug message. Drug users: Stop going to parties looking to score. You know the story. Standing there with your friends, drinking, having a good old time when a man dressed like he’s starring in the next Lil Jon video gets far too close into your personal space to ask you a question. What’s the question? Well, there’s several possibilities and they are based on where the party is taking place. If near the hood you may be asked “Hey man, where’s the good blow at?” If you’re in the suburbs, you may be asked “Hey man, where’s the weed at?” Lastly, if you’re near or on a college campus you may hear, “Hey man, where’s the addies?”

Pro Tip: Buy a fake badge, put it in your pocket, when the guy who always asks for cigarettes asks you for one, accidentally drop the fake badge. You’ll never see a man wearing baggy pants down to his knees run so fast.

4. The girl who stops the party with her tears

At any party there’s always going to be girls with their fancy fake jewel crusted cell phones texting or in rare cases, talking to a recent ex. This is fine by any legitimate party goers standards, as long as they are quiet, drinking all the Zima and generally keeping to themselves. It becomes a problem when the aforementioned young lady completely puts a halt to the party when people notice her high pitched sobbing from the corner of the room and go over to check on her. Nobody wants to be rude and continue the party while there’s a girl in the corner crying, but everybody is thinking to themselves “Why couldn’t she just go outside, so I can drink my Pabst Blue Ribbon and talk to about my new Wayfarers?”

Pro Tip: Have your girlfriend lead her outside into the yard. You kill two birds with one stone.

5. The Guy Who Gets Drunk Before the Party Even Starts

Sloshed, wasted, trashfaced, shithammered, plowed. These are all words to describe a majority of the people at the end of your party. There’s always one guy though at always seems determined to take it to a level unseemly or unwanted. That one guy who arrives 30 minutes early, while you’re still setting up. More than likely, he pre-gamed in the car on the way or at your local T.G.I. Fridays. His excuse for being early is obviously made up on the spot and instead of helping you prepare he starts taking a quick inventory of the alcohol on hand making sure it is enough to sustain him throughout the night. He’ll sit on the couch and take the liberty of changing the channel on the TV or changing the song whilst holding his freshly poured drink with a very liberal amount of liquor. By the time guests start arriving he’s already answering the door for you and exclaiming “COME ON IN! WOO!!!” By the time all the guests arrive and the party is in full swing, this particular man will be wasted beyond the point of any of your guests being able to comprehend what he is saying. Keep an eye on your darkened living room, his pants will probably be off and some assortment of human excrement will be all over the carpet you took pains to protect by cordoning off said room. He may even been nice enough to go outside and sit on the stoop.

Pro Tip: I don’t even know, good luck with this fuckin’ guy.