Did you know that the single most evil thing on this or any other planet is hiding in your home RIGHT NOW? No, not your uncle Steve. He’s just visiting and hides his tendencies well. A lot of people are blissfully unaware of the terrors that lurk within the walls of their homes. I’m not talking about Gary Busey either. That was just a classic 1980s movie and Gary Busey cannot be hiding in every house at the same time, fortunately. No, while the threat of a Gary Busey living in your walls and watching you while you innocently sleep is a harrowing one indeed, the true demonic reality we must live with is of course hell’s rejects. I’m here today to discuss the greatest menace humanity has ever known. Communism? Nazis? Foreigners? No. None of those even begin to compare to the true horror that is the spider.

There are only two things people fear more than death. One of them is public speaking to a room full of clowns and the other is spiders. They’re that bad folks. The thought of spiders are literally worse to people than the outcome of the worst thing a spider could do to them. Is that crazy logic of an unwell mind or the troubling truth of the devilish spell spiders cast onto our joy for love and living and love of living.

There are a faction of people, criminally insane, (I call them satanic devil worshiping monsters) that actually would like to make you believe that we should “care” and “love” these “beautiful” pieces of “nature”. Yes, if you can wrap your mind around it, they believe this about the harbingers of malevolence, spiders. They care, and want you to care, for the afterbirth of Satan’s unholy union with pure terror. These sinful prophets would rather you capture any impending invaders under a drinking glass and then slide your reading material underneath to take them back into the world, gently on a blade of grass, to devour the souls of our willing masses. A malicious army of the Devil’s own children, waiting once again to strike all brought to you by his most malleable of weakened hearts. To this we must rise against.

To end such madness, we must learn what a spider is exactly beyond just the surface desire to destroy and pervert. That’s what I’m here to tell you about. To pull the pin out of the truth grenade, and let it all blow in your face!

Spiders yield into existence from the coils of darkness when a human being feels fear and doubt in his or her heart, or perhaps commits a misdeed. For example: On 9/11/2001, over 3,000 spiders were born. Upon arrival into this plane, they have only one item on their day planner, the thirst for the happiness the resides in our essence. It is then decreed upon their mark that they will carry out this deed unless a shoe or rolled up newspaper is heroically employed to end their hunt. This is how it must be.

To better know your enemy, let’s examine the parts that make up the average eight legged hell-rapist:

Rape Danglers: These are also known as legs. They are used by the spider to commit heinous acts such as forced sex, pillage, and bloodletting. It is not uncommon for a spider to scream while it rapes you.

Lie Bringers: The mouth and fangs area of the beast. These are used by the spiders to put it’s evil inside you, and suck out your soul. It lives for this shit.

Devil Core: This is where a little piece of Satan resides, and protects the hatred center. Scientists are unsure after many centuries of study, but the Devil core is likely the feces part of Satan.

Hatred Center: This is where the spider stores up all its hate. On the outside of the hatred center is an upside down cross and a pentagram. Let be said, while evil, the spider is quite stylish.

Heart of Black: No one knows exactly what function the heart of black provides: It does not pump blood. Some people say it may actually CREATE hate, but there is no proof. Those that have tried to study the heart have all driven to unspeakable acts of debasement.

If these lessons haven’t convinced you of the scourge we are faced with yet allow me to present a quick list of things the spider is more evil than:

1) Rats

2) Jay Leno

3) Hitler

4) Rapists

5) Snakes

6) Snake rapists

Knowing all this, you must be thinking? Wow! Spiders be crazy! How do I attack them? How can I do my part in ending this hoard of unpleasantness?

A Tank?

A Nuke?

A baseball bat?

My no! The real true threat to spiders is none other than….

THE CENTIPEDE

As you can see, the mighty centipede quickly defeats its demonic foe.

And while employed for good, one hopes, are centipedes truly on our side? Or are they simply absorbing all of the evil within the spiders, to gain their own power to fight humanity?

Only time will tell…