Well goddamn. I was showing some coworkers of mine this website called therestrainingorder.com that I had helped run into the ground over the summer. And lo and behold, these fuckers are still writing their bullshit on it but they didn’t bother to tell me. So, I think it would only be appropriate to expose what a bunch of liars and social pariahs these jerks are. So, instead of writing reviews of TV shows and movies like they asked me to, I’m going to uncover their darkest secrets and hopefully have them arrested.

So, I’ve been replaced as the sassy black lady of TRO it seems with this new guy Seifer. You might think you they’ve found a more sour venom spitter than me in this new pup, but I would like to direct you to the following fact:

–Seifer is the owner of the world’s largest My Little Pony collection.

Here is a list of the items of which I have personally seen that Seifer owns:

• 40 ft. My Little Pony
• 40″ My Little Pony
• My Little Pony body pillow
• My Little Pony boyshorts
• Limited Edition My Little Pony Whatchamacallit candy bars
• My Little Pony Boombox
• My Little Pony designed to look like Marilyn Monroe as a My Little Pony
• Several My Little Pony tattoos
• A My Little Pony plush doll with suspiciously anatomical horse junk

Moving on from that very personal slight I would like to right another wrong.

–Otis Whitaker is actually Vanessa Williams.

I suppose I need proof since no one would believe me that a minor celebrity writes for a website that no one reads, but other than the fact that I have met Otis Whitaker and he is Vanessa Williams, the proof is scarce. Let me demonstrate some eerie examples that might sway your opinion, however.

• Otis Whitaker claims to have red hair, Vanessa Williams also has hair.
• Vanessa Williams was in Penthouse, Otis Whitaker’s nickname amongst friends is Outhouse.
• Vanessa Williams was ostracized for nude photos of her appearing in a magazine whereas Otis Whitaker often is nude.
• Vanessa Williams was the first black Miss America winner and Otis Whitaker is an American.
• Vanessa Williams was in the movie A Diva’s Christmas Carol playing the role of Ebony Scrooge whereas Otis Whitaker has also watched movies.
• Otis Whitaker is a beautiful black woman of which Vanessa Williams can also claim.
• Otis Whitaker shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse whereas Vanessa Williams shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater.

I think that’s all of the proof you need.

–Once and for all I would like to end the debate of who was better between big man between Bill Russell or Wilt Chamberlain. The answer is, of course, Buck Antares.

You might be confused by this claim but allow me to explain. Whereas Bill Russell won 11 professional titles in his time with the Celtics, Buck Antares has won over 2 dozen Oreo Stacking competitions in department stores in malls all across America.  And while Wilt Chamberlain might have been the highest scoring big man both on the court and off, having claimed he had bedded over 20,000 women, Buck Antares has bedded nearly twice that many women when he worked at the Oshkosh, Wisconsin Cumberland Bedding factory making beds for divorcees.

Therefore, it’s easy to see that Buck Antares is truly the biggest big man of all time.

–Apoplectic Fittz actually liked watching Cake Farts.

God. Can you believe that. Instead of being scandalized and horrified like all other people, Apoplectic Fittz actually confided in me that while watching Cake Farts he thought, “It was alright, could have used more frosting though.”

P.S. Unless you’re like Apoplectic Fittz, I would avoid finding out what Cake Farts is if you do not know. Instead, for you behind on your Internet memes, you might want to start with 2 girls 1 cup for gentler fare and work your way up.

–Heather Staredown has attended over five New Kids on the Block concerts in her lifetime.

Sure, she’d have you believe the total is less than five, but I know the truth. And now so do you. Also, is it just me, or is Danny New Kid the missing link?

Look at that guy. He’s fucking more monkey than he is man. I bet if you looked at his DNA you would discover that he is at least 80% ape.

Chris Farmer-Lies is actually a sock puppet designed by the writers of TRO to spout their agenda without you knowing that it is their collective hive mind. GASP!

Finally, me, George Pinkerton. I’m inside you right now. That’s why you feel so good.