Hello friends! It is I, Otis, here to bestow upon you the best things about videogames today! Today we’ll be looking at a game, which from what I’ve been told, is some sort of pimp simulator or something. This game is an RPG (That’s Role Playing Game for you apes out there) by the name of Persona 4 from the good folks at Atlus. From the best I can tell with my playtime of this game, your main goal is to hear women whine at you, and then hopefully have sex with them. Enough chit chat! Let’s get started here!

This here is a girl named Rise. It’s pronounced Ree-say. Whatever. I don’t get those crazy Japanese people. Anyways, I was out strolling along with this former teen-pop-idol-thing and her manager approached her to try and get her “Back into the business” so, to get out of this obviously wicked bind she was in, she told her manager that she and I were to be wed. Well, naturally, I was like “FUCK YES, gimme some of that!” But, alas, it was to not be so. You see, this girl is a fucking whore. Not just any fucking whore, but a BIG fucking whore. The GAME has the gall to tell me that her EVEN CONSIDERING THIS was desperate. Look at this shit. This shit is awful!

Well, naturally, I still had my hopes up. Maybe I’d finally get my sweet fake-girl-man-love on. I mean, fuck, even if she’s desperate, there’s still a chance! RIGHT? RIGHT!? Oh no, not at all. Not right at fucking all. This girl is a cold hearted demon from the seventh layer of hell. After blindly following along with this foul demon-temptress from the netherworld, do I get a pat on the back (i.e. crotch)? Do I get a kiss? DO I EVEN GET A FUCKING HUG? Hahahaha. No. No I do not. What I get is a bunch of lies. A WHOLE PACK OF LIES, even. What the hell is this shit? This game is a god damned liar. I was promised pimp sim, and GOD DAMMIT, I want a fucking pimp sim. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING PIMP SIM. It’s a FUCKING LIE GENERATOR, where it promises you epic dreams and crushes them under the steel toed boot of falsehoods.

What the hell kind of world do we live in when we can’t even trust our fake videogame women to tell us the truth? Playing with my poor innocent tender supple young man-boy heart is just wrong. IT’S WRONG, YOU HEAR, WRONG! Naturally, I should stop here. With my heart in pieces and my life in shambles and all of my dreams left to be nothing more than a big pile of garbage. But no. No.. I had hope. There’s someone for me out there, surely! So here I go on to the next day of events!

Hey look! It’s Yukiko! My classmate of whom has a crush on me! Surely there’s got to be something there! After hearing her babble on for about fifty million years about her “real self” and her “future” and such, we finally start to talk about “us”. US? HELL FUCKING YES. US BETWEEN THE SHEETS WOULD BE NICE! She says she likes me! I say I like her! There’s sparks and shiny things! (I’m not making this shit up, there really were sparks and shiny things. Not to mention some sort of crazy epic music!) Then, the game tells me… THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! Oh fuck, I think to myself, WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN INTO? Does she have a sausage in her pants? Whatever. LET’S DO THIS THING.

Oh my giddy aunt. DID I JUST GET LAID? How come I didn’t see it? Is this how people fuck in Japan? Man, awesome. I hope she gives me candy or something. God, candy sure would be sweet. In any case, having now conquered the HEART of this lil’ damsel, I felt pretty damned good about myself, you bet. I’m pretty much the king of Persona 4 now. Did I win the game? Why aren’t credits rolling? This game is bullshit. You mean I have to play more? WHERE’S THE SEX SCENE? …Ahem. So, not willing to stop playing yet, I keep on it, until I come to this.

FUCKING HELL YES. This is it. THIS IS IT. This has GOT to be it. It’s time for some sheet on ass action. I’m finally going to get my fleshy reward! Goodbye chastity, hello skin-town!  So, here we go! To my room ahoy!

I won’t waste any time with this one. No beating around the bush for me. Get on the Futon, bitch. You’re about to see my O face. AWWWWW YEAAAAH. This is what I’m talking about. This is what it’s all about folks. This is why we game…..

WHY AM I ON A FUCKING COUCH?

Do the Japanese simply not fucking know how sex works? Well, I guess it can work on a couch too, but god dammit, you know what I mean. THIS IS NOT A FUTON AT ALL. Oh my god. I better get something out of this shit. After a lengthy bit of talking, and more talking, and lots more talking. I figure, hey! Finally going to get something. Woo-doggy! HERE IT COMES! HERE IT IS! SHE… loves me? Oh what the fucking hell is this shit. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Love? LOVE!? This is a videogame. If I wanted love, I’d be fucking playing Mario Kart. THIS IS PERSONA. I want to FUCK SOMETHING.

Wait a god damned minute. What the hell just happened? I sure as fuck know I didn’t get laid. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Did I impregnate her with that? I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. I so did not sign up for this. Atlus, you owe me. YOU FUCKING OWE ME.  Feeling defeated. I retreat to the one place of solace I can find within the game. The one that can’t possibly ever say no!

Beggers can not be choosers.

But… they can go to jail.

All in all, I would not recommend this game to anyone except monsters. The game doesn’t deliver at all on it’s promises of being a pimp simulator, and it left me sad, lonely, and unfulfiled.

I give this game 2 Otis Faces out of 5